Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
