New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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