He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
