I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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