They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Buhtt sex?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
