Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
