god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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