My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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