My balls are so social today.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
