i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
