I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
