he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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