Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
