This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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