I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
