Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
