But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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