I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
