yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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