She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
