Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
