I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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