so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
