im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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