Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
