Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
