she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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