I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
