What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
