If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
