Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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