....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
