im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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