You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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