Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
