why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
