Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
