I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
