Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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