I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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