I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
