i don't like sucking hair
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
