I just pynch a tree in the face
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Randomize
