I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
