Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
