onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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