I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
