there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
