I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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