life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
