Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
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You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
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You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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