I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Drunk is not a location!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize