do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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