you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
