she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
