the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
