At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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