I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
